i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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