you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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