My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
