you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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