ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
