wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
