My sheets look like a crime scene.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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