dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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