Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The uberlube is also flammable
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
