I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think your dad took our porno
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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