You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
