Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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