Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
