I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
