I faked an abortion last night.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
