We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
