facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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