Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
