Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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