Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
