I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
