I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
