My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
