its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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