Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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