I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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