I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
