My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
