i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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