Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
