I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
