Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
