Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was confusing and full of hummus
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
