i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
