I just threw up on my dentist
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
