I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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