So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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