I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
