Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
