3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
