so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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