he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
