I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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