She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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