My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
