evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
