There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
