The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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