My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
