The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
