I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
